• My Friend Says She’s Autistic

     

    What do I Say?

    Has this ever happened to you? A friend opens up and tells you that they’re Autistic. This revelation takes you by surprise and leaves you speechless. What should you say? Read on for tips on what to say, what not to say, and why.

    Has this ever happened to you?

    A friend of yours opens up and tells you they’re Autistic. This revelation may take you by surprise.

    What are you supposed to say?

    Take a Moment

    First, before you say anything, take a moment. Don’t jump right in with a quick reply; a thoughtful response from you will be worth waiting for. Whatever you might blurt out off the top of your head without thinking could impact the future of your relationship with this person. Hit “pause” before you say anything. Then, when you do say something don’t say any of these things.

    Don’t Say:

    • “But you don’t look Autistic.”
      Of course she doesn’t “look Autistic.” What does that even mean? There is no particular way that Autistic people look, so this comment does not make much sense. You may be surprised at her revelation that she’s Autistic, but don’t make a thoughtless remark like this while you’re taking it in. Give yourself a moment.
    • “No, I don’t see it.”
      You probably don’t see it because she’s been masking, pretending to be “normal,” and covering up any struggles she may feel when interacting in a neuro-typical world. You are not in a position to diagnose or rule out Autism, and it’s not your place as her friend. Even if you’re a professional who is experienced in diagnosing Autism in adults, if you did not complete a comprehensive evaluation for this person, then you cannot rule out Autism simply because you “don’t see it.” There’s a lot going on behind the mask that you can’t see, but it’s no less real. She allowed herself to be vulnerable in sharing this with you. Believe her rather than casting doubt on her lived experience.
    • “You’re not Autistic! There’s nothing wrong with you!”
      Did you hear how that sounds? It sounds like you think there’s something wrong with Autism. And if you think that, then you must think there’ something wrong with your friend. This is one of the thoughtless comments people make that can be the most hurtful. Autism is a difference in how someone processes, perceives, and responds to the world, and differences should be respected. Autism is not some horrible disease to be cured, and it is wrong to imply otherwise. There is nothing wrong with your friend, because there is nothing wrong with Autism.
    • “My two-year-old nephew is Autistic, and you’re nothing like him.”
      Autism is a broad spectrum. There are obvious differences between early diagnosed children and late diagnosed adults. Their strengths and needs differ greatly, but they also share traits in common. As different as your nephew and your friend appear, the term “Autistic” can apply to both of them. You wouldn’t assume that all Autistic folk are alike any more than you would assume that all people who share a race or gender are alike. People are complex and fascinating, and not one of us is quite like another. Don’t you just love that about us? I do.
    • “But, are you ‘really’ Autistic?”
      If she told you she’s Autistic, then yes, you may accept that she is “really” Autistic. If this question is your way to try to find out if she has a medical diagnosis or if she self-identified, it’s none of your business. You don’t need to know. It can be very difficult and expensive to get a proper diagnosis when you’re an adult, especially for anyone who was assigned female at birth or who is nonbinary or transgender. Also, your friend may have been masking her Autistic traits since childhood as a survival strategy, and not all diagnosticians are skilled at recognizing the Autistic person behind the mask. The internet and libraries are filled with information about Autism that she has probably been reading for years, so even if she has not received a formal diagnosis, you should trust her self-identification. After all, who knows better what’s going on inside of her? Trust her and believe he when she tells you about herself. Your belief in her is an important gift you can give your friend.
    • “We’re all a little bit Autistic, aren’t we?”
      No, we are not all a little bit Autistic. To be Autistic in a neuro-typical world is a disabling condition that comes with many barriers that those of us in the neuro-majority never have to deal with. Yes, there are many traits associated with Autism, and yes, many allistic (not Autistic) people share some of these same traits. But, no, that doesn’t mean we’re all Autistic. I was very shy as a child, I prefer a quiet evening in rather than going to parties, and I find movie theaters too loud. Many Autistic folk feel the same way, but this does not make me Autistic. My life has not been negatively impacted by these characteristics, which I would call mild. My Autistic family members and friends have a much larger number of Autistic traits and they are more significantly impacted by them. They are Autistic. I am not. To imply otherwise would disrespect their very real challenges and minimize their potential needs. I know you want to demonstrate common ground and understanding with your Autistic friend, but claiming to share her disability is like “stolen valor;” it’s not the way to show your support.

    What should you say instead?

    • “Thank you for sharing this with me.”
      It was probably not easy for her to disclose her Autism to you, so first and foremost, thank her for trusting you.
    • “Tell me more.”
      Listen to what she shares with you, and show that you care without judging. She may have spent years learning about Autism, so if you are open and approachable, you could learn a lot from her.
    • “What can I do that would be helpful?”
      Again, listen. Don’t jump in with offers of the kind of support that you think they might need. Be ready to support them in ways they might suggest. It may be as simple as understanding if they need to cancel plans at the last minute, or choose a different restaurant, or if they don’t like chatting on the phone. Don’t give up on them if you don’t see them or hear from them for a while. Autistic burnout is real, and they may need to spend a lot of time alone recharging after social events or work. Being understanding and accepting goes a long way.
    • “Do you have any books or online recommendations, so I can learn more about Autism?”
      Educate yourself. Knowing more about Autism means knowing your friend better. You can ask for recommendations, but don’t expect your friend to be 100% responsible for educating you. Do that work yourself.

    It’s a Diverse World.

    The world is not a cookie cutter place filled with people who all look, think, and act the same. More and more people are learning as adults that they are Autistic, and have been Autistic all along. Realizing that they’re Autistic can answer so many questions and go a long way toward dispelling the self-doubt they may have experienced growing up. Acknowledging their Autism can open doors to greater understanding, and I hope, acceptance. You can start by accepting your friend unconditionally. They are the same awesome person they were before they shared this with you. Don’t treat them differently, but do show grace when needed. By being a safe person, someone they can be themselves around, you’re giving them a valuable gift. Their friendship is a valuable gift they offer you, as well. In my experience, Autistic folk can be the most marvelous of friends.

    Congratulations on discovering yours!